“Empty”

Journal Entry: 16 Dec 2019 

Contemplating my life and feelings in the present, I come to realise the reason for my unhappiness. I am “empty”. 

I had hopes, dreams and expectations from James. And for a long time I held onto the belief that they were coming. They may have been unhealthy expectations. And when things broke down and I realised he couldn’t give me what I wanted, it left a void inside of me. An emptiness that I had previously filled with hopes of companionship, of friendship, of love and laughter. 

Previously I may have misunderstood that void and also attempted to fill it with children, household chores and the demands of family life. 

But the temporality of my children’s dependency on me now dawns on me. I have always depended on someone else to fill that void. And now no one is doing so. It is empty. This is why I feel so alone. This void leads to my loneliness. 

But why must I depend on another to fill that void? Why am I unable to fill that void myself?

I suppose it comes down to not really knowing myself. Who am I really? What do I want? What do I, myself, find pleasure in? 

Being a wife and mother all these years, I’ve lost who I am as an individual. As a wife my interests were lost in adoption of his. As a mother, my identity, my time, my individuality. Now here I am, almost 34. My kids are growing up. They are not as dependent on me as they once were, yet not fully detached. My husband is no longer my best friend, nor my life companion. I am alone. As I figure out my own company, I don’t know who I am. What are my interests? What do I like doing? What do I even like? 

I cant answer these questions. It seems that I’ve lost myself over these past 16 years. I gave myself fully as a mother and a wife. Every inch of ‘me’ was sucked out to accommodate these new roles. Roles that I did not even think could possibly be temporary or fluid. As these changes are taking place, I find myself lonelier than ever. I feel empty

Who am I supposed to be now? Where do I pick up from? How do I start again? 

If I am truly to be happy with myself and content within, these are the questions that I need to figure out. If I don’t know myself, how can anyone else? 

So many questions. Yet I cannot answer them in this moment. And I cannot go on some spiritual journey of self-discovery (Eat, pray, love style!). As an adult with many responsibilities, this is something I am going to have to figure out as I journey through life. A journey that seems to be going very slowly right now.